Monday, June 25, 2007

BlogPoll Roundtable via Fire Mark May

The BlogPoll roundtables for the 2007 season have begun, and while I'm neither a BlogPoller, nor prompt with my responses, I shall enter the discussion. Why? Because I'm lobbying to become a member of the BlogPoll, and I have a budget similar to the Barack Obama Presidential Campaign. So, expect some sort of video on the interwebs of a random Hottie McHots dancing to a song about me. Annnnnnnnnnnnnyway, on to the tables of the round variety.

Give the more zealous portion of your fanbase a religion. What's this cult following? Feel free to give the splitters a derogatory nickname.

These already exist for Tennessee. In this corner, we have those who defend, love, and hand-bathe Phillip Fulmer, who are coined the Fulmerites. Fulmerites pray to Buddha-like statues, but carved and bronzed to bare a resemblance to their deity, Coach Fulmer. The statue is so intricate, the original sculptor actually took the time to add in doughnut crumb carvings and paint on the hands to signify sticky rib sauce. It's pretty wild. Of course, the NCAA jumped all over the merchandising, and now you can own your very own Buddha Fulmer for only $24.95 plus shipping and handling. The daily mantras of Fulmerites include, but are not limited to, mentions of the 1998 National Title, the best winning percentage of coaches with 10 years of experience plus a pant size higher than 40 while living in Maryville, and lastly, the rehiring of once chastised David Cutcliffe.

So, in the other corner, obviously the corner opposite of the Fulmerites, stand those who wish for nothing more than to see Phillip Fulmer ousted the same way former head coach Johnny Majors supposedly was - with a knife in the back. They'd then like to ask Coach Fulmer, "If you were a rack of ribs, would you eat yourself?" The answer is obvious. As I was saying, these people are named NegaVols (BOO, HISS, THROW SOME CABBAGE!). Catchy title, eh? In my experience, NegaVols can become members of this group only by being named one by Fulmerites. The qualifications are a bit cloudy, but I'm pretty sure once you become a NegaVol, you are no longer a "true fan." It seems to go hand in hand once you get the letter of the beast.
So, to sum up: Fulmerites hate NegaVols. NegaVols are NegaVols without choice. Phillip Fulmer loves food. Who doesn't. Moving on.

Your biggest rival is in town, and College Gameday is your citaaaaaaay... Create a blatant corporate sellout promotion to appeal to the mass unwashed.

This one is pretty obvious and ties in with the religious sects above. See, it starts out like any ol' t-shirt, but better. Wait, no, now stay with me. It's an orange Tennessee t-shirt, but on the shoulder areas are some figurines. On the left shoulder, a figurine of Phillip Fulmer in a white gown and a halo over his head, which is symbolic of your inner Fulmerite. On the right shoulder, a Johnny Majors figurine dressed in red spandex with a pitchfork and pointy tail - your inner NegaVol. You may press the bellies of each figurine whenever you'd like, and it will recite a mantra of the specific sect. For instance, when Tennessee runs on 1st, 2nd, and 3rd down, you hit that Johnny Majors in Red figurine, and you'll hear, "3 yards and a cloud of dust same old same old FIRE FULMER!" But when Tennessee travels on the road and wins a game as an 8 point underdog, you hit the White Fulmer to hear "We play better as underdogs!" It'd sell out in a heartbeat.

Add one local delicacy to your stadium's concessions. Post-tax pricing is optional.

Knoxville isn't really known for any certain delicacy, and Petro's is already served at Tennessee home games. Actually, I know what I'd add. Ruby Tuesday is based out of East Tennessee, so I'd add a Ruby's right there in Neyland stadium. I'd make sure to include the overpriced appetizers, the boring memorabilia, and horrible service.

With an unlimited AD budget, add or subtract one thing to your school's gameday experience that has nothing to do with football.

More dunk tanks. I've never witnessed someone NOT having a good time when someone popular is in the dunk tank. Hell, put some coaches up there every now and then, charge a mere $1, and you'll make like $105,678 every home game. While most people want more cowbell, I want more dunk tanks.

Coin a hilariously unrealistic stereotype that you would like to "make stick" for this upcoming season.
Mark Mangino loses weight for cancer research. Coach Mangino had a touching meeting with a young cancer-stricken fellow who loves the Rock Chalk Jayhawks. Mangino, uplifted beyond his wildest dreams, vows to lose 1 pound for every point his Jayhawks score. If the team averages 20 points per game, that's 240 pounds. Every Saturday morning, College Gameday will dedicate an entire 7 minute segment to the latest weight loss totals. It will be "moving."

Redesign your conference or independent schedule with reckless abandon. Be prepared to include compensation for jilted schools and conferences in your explanation.

For this discussion, I'd like to defer comment to my friend, S3C fanb0yee.

"WTFOMGBBQ~!!! Are confrenz iz da best d00d y wuld we redesingate the bets confrenz int he countree~~??~ all other confrenzez r teh lamest bitches out their the pac 1 (haha u onlee have 1 team) iz girly n wuzzy teh big 10 pluz 1 r slow punkz and teh big 12 is ok~!!! teh acc iz bye far teh wurstest of all teh reel confrenzez o an dun get me strated on th ebig east or mayb th big leazt"

Thank you, I couldn't agree more. (I realize this section was probably supposed to be serious, but I really blew my pistons out too early.)

Following up on your new realignment, blow up the BCS and devise a national playoff system, money grabs and missed exams be damned. Using your new fantasy conferences is optional.

Honestly, I think the a great approach to a playoff would be a 6 team setup. The #1 and #2 ranked teams in the BCS get a bye, because you need some sort of reward for the regular season. BCS #3 versus BCS #6, BCS #4 versus BCS #5. Winners obviously move on to the Final Four and we have a surefire champion. You'd still have two other BCS bowls to reward conference champs who might not be in the top 6 BCS spots. All the lower bowls stay the same.

Elect one public figure to replace NCAA president Myles Brand. Anyone with proper name recognition is eligible.

This is pretty easy. You'd need someone with enthusiasm, intelligence, and the ability to remember where all the schools are located. The man with the best makeup of these 3 aspects is former Democratic CONTENDA Howard Dean. Imagine his attitude in scheduling meetings, disciplinary conferences, etc. "We're going to Blackburg, Columbia, Pasadena, Knoxville, Tuscaloosa, then we're going to Indianapolis to take back the office! BARAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The end.

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